Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Happy Tears

We are officially expecting a 5 year old little girl!!!!

The call came tonight, and I cried for joy, sitting in a restaurant, not caring who was watching!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

What Might Have Been

Today is my due date, but I'm not pg. Today is the day our daughter Grace was due, a day we excitedly anticipated. Yet here I sit, filled with sadness, my heart breaking once again, missing our daughter whom we didn't get to know.

Would she have had blonde hair or dark? What color would her eyes have turned? Would Grace have liked princesses and ponies like her older sisters? Would she have been musical? What career would she have chosen? Would she have married and had babies of her own?

She had a sweet little mouth that was downturned at the corners like most of her siblings and me that we never got to see turn up into a smile. I thought she looked a bit like DS2.

Most likely she would have faced health and medical obstacles due to the physical problems she had which were discovered after her death. How would they have affected her? How would they have affected us and our family?

For us, Grace's death was not only the death of our child, but the death of our hopes and dreams for her. Yet "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) It is to this I cling as I pray for comfort, remember, and mourn.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Realizing what I always should have known

and knowing that I should have realized it. I guess I should explain before I don't make sense to myself.

God is in charge. I am ready to leave it all up to HIM now. I realize that I have been kicking and screaming this whole time trying to control it myself. Dh has been without a job for nearly 5 months. God has provided this whole time.

Our children are provided for. Their private Catholic school is taken care of. We are fed plenty and our bills are taken care of. I could not ask for more from Him. I have, though. I have nearly demanded that He allow me to have more children. As much as I would love to have another one, or lots of another ones, lol. I have decided to stop kicking and screaming and open my eyes and see that we are provided for. We shouldn't be demanding anything. Are you with me? I have no business asking for anything more than what I am already receiving.

So, there you have it. God has provided for us. He has made it possible for dh to return to school. My realization that I always should have known has finally moved into my heart and soul. Things are ok.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

18 Month-Old Communication

Yesterday my baby boy turned 18 mo old. Where did the time go?

DS3 still doesn't say much. He can say "mama" and "dada", but that's about it. At his 18 mo check-up yesterday, I asked the dr if DS3 had a lot of ear wax in his ears (His ear canals seem to be a bit "squished" or oval like DD1's rather than big and round like the other kids', and DD1 sometimes has trouble with earwax buildup which can make things sound muffled.), but the dr said DS3 didn't have much. Maybe DS3 is more like DS1 and DD2 who were both slow talkers til 2 1/2-3 yrs old. He will make a soft roaring sound like a lion if you ask him to, and he knows where his head, nose, and tongue are.

He's the first of our children to use signs to communicate. The others would do so sporadically when they were little, but DS3 uses them more often. The one he uses the most is the sign for "milk." However, he uses it to mean "I want ______." That's good though, because before learning that, he'd just scream. Now it's a matter of figuring out what it is he wants, but usually it's pretty obvious. If he doesn't want something, he'll shake his head "no." After DS3 asks for something, I will tell him to say "please" before I give it to him, and he'll sign "please." I'm working on teaching him "thank you." He used to do the sign for "all done," but he doesn't often do that one anymore. He also used to sign "more," but that has been taken over by the "I want" sign. Although not a "sign," my favorite non-talking communication he does is when he wants a kiss and will pucker up his lips and look at you and make kissing noises. Then when you get close to him, he gives you a big, slobbery, open-mouthed kiss, sometimes even licking you in the process! LOL

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

I know what love is...

Valentine's Day is getting closer, and it has made me think. When I was growing up, my father would buy each of us a red heart Valentine's Day balloon. Even when I was a rebellous teenager, my dad instilled in me the concept that I was loved unconditionally just because I was me, even when he did not approve of my actions. When I was older, and married, my dad would call me every Valentine's morning to remind me that he loved me. Throughout the year he would call me randomly through the week to just say hi. A Daddy's Love is a precious thing.

I know, you were thinking that this would be all about my wonderful hubby, right? Well, it is. See, he loves me unconditionally too. These past few months have challenged me in ways I never anticipated. You know what I found out? That old phrase "my better half" isn't that far off. Not to say that Scott is better than me, or that I am better than him. No, we are just two parts of one whole. When I am discouraged, he encourages me. When he is frustrated, I provide a different perspective. We work together. It is not me and him, it is us. And I am so thankful for that us.

I have been called many things in my life. I have many responsibilities and duties. But, we are a team. I know that there are a lot of families that function very well with the husband that "brings home the bacon" and the wife who "cares for hearth and home." That is great, and if it works for you I am happy for you. I don't mean to offend any one else, but that is not how our home works. We have a more collaborative style. Every decision involves us both. We coordinate our work schedules so that one of us can be with the kids. Our kids take up a lot of our time, and when we work opposites shifts, sometimes we pass each other coming and going. But, we always find time each week for just us.

I have often been told that I am only successful at what I do because I have a husband who allows me to do those things. Well, I wonder if they ever considered that we are successful at what we do because we work together to get it all done as a family. We do not have a bunch of kids because my poor hubby was tricked into them in order to make me happy. No, we have a bunch of kids because WE made the choice. We choose to raise our family with values and morals that we hold dear, and that includes working together as a family unit.

Just a few weeks ago, my father passed away. I have had a lot of conversations with people about the measure of a sucessful life. In my opinion, success is not based on who can earn the most profit and have the most stuff. Success is based on values and supporting each other as we influence the people around us, hopefully for the better. At the end of the road, the only thing that we can take with us is our integrity, and our name. We all have a legacy to leave. I hope that as I live each day, others will see my life and know that I am successful because of the love and encouragement of these amazing men that I call my father and my husband.

I am blessed everyday because of the unconditional love that these two men have shown me. One told me from the time I was small that I could do anything I was willing to work for, and taught me about God's unconditional love by his example. The other one supports and encourages my efforts as we work towards our goals together.

So there it is. Love is unconditional. There is nothing on this earth as empowering than to know that kind of love.